A Radical Suggestion
Eternity Online: John Edmiston (Editor)
Eternity-Inspiration Tuesday 7th October 1997
A Radical Suggestion
(Ephesians 5:25-33 NIV) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ
loved the church and gave himself up for her ..{28} In this same
way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his wife loves himself. ...{33} However, each one of you also
must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her
husband.
(Song of Songs 1:2 NIV) Let him kiss me with the kisses of his
mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine.
My radical suggestion comes from three observations. Firstly the
curious fact that the Bible never says "have a good marriage",
secondly that its instructions about marriage seem very meagre and
consist basically of commands such as "love", submit" and "respect".
They are very objective, concrete instructions. Thirdly that by
contrast many of our marriage books in Christian circles make the
whole thing far too complicated. One I have finished reading strongly
advocates having a support group, a therapist and a "mission
statement"! This latter approach seems over- complicated and absurd.
Here is my radical suggestion. That we stop thinking about
relationships and start thinking about people. I am 100% serious.
There is no commandment that says anything like "have a good
marriage" The Bible tells me to think about my partner and to love
her. That's different. I can control how I treat my partner. I
cannot control her response to me. The focus in Scripture is
objective not subjective, on the person not on the state of the
relationship. Solomon does not cry out `what a wonderful relationship
we have', instead he says "what a wonderful bride you are!". The
focus is primarily on the person not the relationship.
If we focus on the person everything simplifies very quickly. "What
does my partner need today?" becomes the appropriate question. On the
other hand I suspect that focussing on the relationship is in fact a
roundabout way of focussing on what we are receiving from it. When I
think "our relationship is no good" what I am often thinking is "she
is treating me badly today" or something similar. I am focussing on
what I am receiving and "fixing the relationship" often means "making
sure I get what I want out of it".
While that is a better attitude than ignoring the warning signs it is,
in my view, a bit short- sighted and does not properly sow good things
into the other person's life. I see romance as centred on the person
not on an abstraction called "the relationship".
Similarly we can get bogged down with worry over "our prayer life"
when it would be quickly revitalised if we focussed on God and in
obeying and adoring Him. Focussing on the prayer life kills it.
Focussing on the Person is life itself! (John 17:3 NIV) Now this is
eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus
Christ, whom you have sent.
May I quickly say that I do not intend the above "radical suggestion"
to be a harsh criticism of anyone at all. It is an observation about
how tangled and complicated the whole marriage guidance scene has
become and reflects my personal desire for a simpler approach. Feel
free to think about it and toss it around (or even toss it out).
Prayer:
Lord you intend for us to live abundant lives in happy families. Make
this happen Lord Jesus by teaching us how to truly love each other.
Amen.
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